guys i´m in a pickle

I feel like I´m in some Asian drama set in a nunnery or a really strict boarding school, and naturally as a result of that I am incredibly stressed and unhappy and listening to sad emo romantic songs. And for the first time in my life some of these songs actually FIT MY LIFE. a song from a korean drama FITS MY (EMOTIONAL) SITUATION. fuck my life.

Last night we sat on his bed in the dark and we joked around and talked and gradually the conversation got more serious. At one point he asked if I thought we were just friends or something more and then if I liked him but of course my flimsy Spanish grammar failed me at that moment and I didn´t quite understand the whole sentence but he said things like he thought we were compatible and blah blah blah. I´m not lying when I say I didn´t understand everything he said, also his mumble became rather more pronounced.

Ok, ok. I said. I don´t know how to say this in Spanish but-- I switch to English and speak slowly-- I like you. Pause. Did you understand?

He did.

He´s 3 years older than me and he hasn´t finished his time at university--it´ll take another 3 years? he wants to be like an engineer-- and he mumbled something about waiting and i was like, i don´t understand this situation at all.

What we did understand was that I was going back to the U.S. in a week and that we can´t have romantic relations during the program and that people were already a bit suspicious about us hanging out all the time and there were some people talking behind our backs and my roommate might be one of those people and I might possibly never see him again, ever. He said maybe we could have a long distance thing but I said, a long distance thing for possibly FOREVER?

I couldn´t sleep last night, I tried but I stayed up thinking and thinking and thinking.

I want to talk to someone for advice, I´ve never needed it more in my life, and I´m trying frantically to decide if I should find someone in the program to talk to. Someone who I can depend upon 100% to keep my secret. Maybe I´ll talk to him first.

P.S. we passed each other in the hall today and he rather discreetly passed me a note. I opened it up when I was alone.

Let´s just enjoy the time we spend together and don´t worry about the rest.

I wish I were a chill enough person to be able to do that.